I would love to feel mentally stable for a day in my life.
Just a day.

why am I having such a hard time convincing myself that I deserve this?

feeling burnt out a bit lately but thinking it'll pass.
fond but not in love.
can't wait for halloween.
skipped my first class of the semester and it feels so good.
excited to be a happy panda for Melissa's 21st.
love philadelphia when it's sunny, or rainy.

Current Location: 2315.
Current Mood: sicky.
Current Music: misc.

i imagine my favorite time of being would be something like this.

I would light my cigarette off my stove in a shitty high rise apartment in some godforsaken city, sit down with a cup of tea and my sketchbook. It would be a day like today, rainy and cold, mid october. I'd look over and smile at my current lover, for lack of a better word. He'd smile back over his notebook, writing his current short story he'd hope he would be able to publish someday. We'd both understand that our art would probably be something only we could cherish but still have pipe dreams of fame. The rain would lull us, no need for music, nature's rhythm is enough coupled with honks and the conversations of people on the street.




That's what I imagine my life being like and I'll be happy.
This weather makes me think of the future for some odd reason.
I don't understand why people don't like rain.

Current Location: 2315.
Current Mood: relaxed.
Current Music: kings of leon - youth and young manhood.

"Uncle Touchy's Naked Puzzle Basement: You won't wear a shirt and you'll cry."

and

Dessert Wars.




Awesome night.

Current Location: 2315.
Current Mood: drunk.
Current Music: Rusmir's guitar grooves.

Found a needle on Wolf today with Kaihly. Living in the gheetttooo (said like Cartman.)
Jazz was fun, kicked my ass like every week and I fell whilst in the front row. My ankles decide to give up on me in really inconvenient times.
I need to finish my anatomy homework, but I don't feel like mylar-ing it up like always.
Samuel and the brosef came over tonight. We all ate dinner like a big family, I kind of made Samuel help me with dishes which was funny, and he played guitar while I worked on my master drawing. It was nice. The brother was sick and fell asleep on the couch for the majority of the night.
Got the cats classy collars for Halloween. They're gentlemen and shit.
Going to see Patton Oswalt on Saturday and the boyfriend is coming over Friday. Hopefully checking out Zombieland and possibly movie surfing with Kaihly on Friday as well.
Can't wait to come home and sleep tomorrow. Texts and Contexts was cancelled due to the Phillies game. (Woooo Phillies!)

Un-chronological and strangely unorganized random update over. I think I need sleep.

Current Location: 2315.
Current Mood: weird.
Current Music: mars volta.

I guess I should write a bit of an update.

The semester is still on the cusp of being full swing. Anatomy is probably the hardest class so far, mainly because the amount of work, although it's still weird for me doing real life drawing, since Rossman never let us draw the figure as it looks in real life. However, I already feel I've improved without putting my all into it. Typography is a bit of a bore, but doesn't seem like a class that is going to kick my ass. I just need to get the hang of using computer programs for art, something I prefer not to do. But, I guess it'll be useful and I might even end up liking it. I really enjoy pictorial foundation. Mike, our teacher, is a pretty cool dude (lol @ calling a teacher dude.), our assignments are pretty cool and I like seeing how everyone interprets the assignments in their own way. Section 5 is pretty talented and I like mostly everyone's work. Jazz is a nice break from the academics/studios, math is a joke but the teacher is also awesome, and texts and contexts is no where near as hard as people made it out to be. Pretty sure things will turn out pretty nicely this semester.

Fall is here and I'm loving the chilly weather (Yeah, that's right Melissa, suck it.) It makes me miss my father but it's finally growing into a happy sadness. It's hard to understand but if you lost someone close to you I'm sure you do or you will understand. It's one of the stranger feelings in this life. My mom is finally starting to feel it too, I think. She's dealing with a lot lately and I'm really worried about her and my brother. They had to move out of the house they got in Northeast Philly and are now living at my grandparents until they both find places to live. When we lived there for two years after my dad died that place became my home more than my own house did, but living there again would awaken a lot of demons for me. I remember a lot of bad things that happened there and I couldn't do it again. I'm so thankful to be living where I am now because there are no bad memories to haunt me. Whenever I went back to my old house in Langhorne I felt like I was going to run into my doppelganger or the ghost of who I used to be. It was weird, just staying the night there would make me feel depressed again and I would think about things that I knew better than to think about. The south Philly house makes me feel peaceful.

Samuel and I decided to start dating and he makes me happy. I don't think we'll see each other all the time, but that's okay because distance makes the heart grow fonder, apparently. Dating someone new after a year and a half is really scary but also incredibly exciting. A new beginning for a new season. Writing in livejournal about new boyfriends might be a bit of a curse so I'm going to keep this to a minimum. He's awesome and makes beautiful music.

That may be all.

Current Location: 2315.
Current Mood: complacent.
Current Music: mewithoutYou.

This is the time of year that I miss you the most.

I hope you look down and smile, I try the hardest for you.

I also hope you're pulling for Mom and Edward, they need your help more than me.


Still that little Halloween loving pumpkin of years ago...

Current Location: 2315.
Current Mood: nostalgic.
Current Music: modest mouse.

I'm completely content to write about music over and over again on here. 

I finally got the first mewithoutYou album, [A>B] Life. My favorite song is Silencer, it's gorgeous. It has this raw emotion and contagious energy most Christian music I enjoy is filled with. They make me want to believe as much as they do. The lead singer's vocal style is ridiculous, in a good way of course.

That's all, summer is almost over and I'm thankful. I need a schedule back.

Current Location: 2315.
Current Mood: content.
Current Music: mewithoutYou.

Sometimes Atmosphere hits close to home.

"Body Pillow"... edited a bit. 

"Then there was this one night, when I took the time
To examine a napkin in a Chicago hotel room
I wasn't alone, it was a night after a show
The space was full, energy was consumed
There was a boy - emphasis on the "B"
He was noticin' the detail as well
An the two of us found somethin with each other, previously undiscovered -
Hell is full of lovers
And the daylight is bright, always makes me squint
But it feels like magic when it touches my face
Suffocate myself, overwhelm myself
And let the sunrays abandon me, float through space

And he still wonders why I'm so insecure
He giggles, because I sleep with a body pillow
Intentions are never nothing short of pure
But there's a price to pay, when you try to live a little

And as attractive as that napkin ever could have been
My how it unfolded, hold it to the wind
Try now to be a rock, but he's caught under the skin
Ex-lover and a best friend, just like the rest of them

Then there was this one night, I stopped to watch someone bite,
the tip of a cigarette, to hold it in-between his lips
Never met nobody like him
Please brace yourself, danger!, danger!, this might hurt!
The playground feels a lot different when the suns out
He wasn't messin around, he came in with his guns out
Screamin bout the ocean, "Anybody wanna go with me?"
Never knew punk rock could be so pretty
Now - catch your breath, and then catch the ball
And sit by the phone, so we can catch the call
Writing catchy one-liners on the bathroom stall
Here I go, wouldn't you know, still learnin to crawl

And he still wonders why I'm so insecure
He giggles, because I sleep with a body pillow
Intentions are never nothing short of pure
But there's a price to pay, when you try to live a little

"I've always dug the way, you loved the way,
your tattoos intimidate men, I guess I'm one of them."

Standing right next to you, but way over here
Ex-lover and a best friend, [ex-lover and a best friend]

Then there was this one night, I noticed a tree
That stood by itself, about an hour up north
And I could picture him holding onto the limb,
wearing a summer shirt, and a grin, swinging back and forth
Talking bout the breeze, an how easy it is,
to leave all the worries in the back seat
Teach me please! I need the abilities to live
Silly me, I tried to measure it by what I can give
But he didn't need anything,
Just a pair of ears, some strong fingers, and someone to share the tears
Read the fear, feeling inadequate, now lets make-believe that I can handle it

And he still wonders why I'm so insecure
He giggles, because I sleep with a body pillow
Intentions are never nothing short of pure
But there's a price to pay, when you try to live a little

And I still get to talk to you every now and then
Definition of over, doesn't have to be the end
It's good to see you grow boy, shake my hand
That's all I want from my ex-lover and my best friend

[that's all I want] I got your back.. don't ever fucking question that
[that's all I want] I got your back.. [always] I still got your back

And he still wonders why I'm so insecure
He giggles, because I sleep with a body pillow
Intentions are never nothing short of pure
But there's a price to pay, when you try to live a little
And he still wonders why I'm so insecure
He giggles, because I sleep with a body pillow
Intentions are never nothing short of pure
But there's a price to pay, when you try to live a little"

Current Location: 2315.
Current Mood: nostalgic.
Current Music: Maylene and the Sons of Disaster.