KaityO

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 05:10:50 GMT

I would love to feel mentally stable for a day in my life.
Just a day.

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 18:16:23 GMT

why am I having such a hard time convincing myself that I deserve this?

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 19:20:59 GMT

feeling burnt out a bit lately but thinking it'll pass.
fond but not in love.
can't wait for halloween.
skipped my first class of the semester and it feels so good.
excited to be a happy panda for Melissa's 21st.
love philadelphia when it's sunny, or rainy.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 19:59:45 GMT

i imagine my favorite time of being would be something like this.

I would light my cigarette off my stove in a shitty high rise apartment in some godforsaken city, sit down with a cup of tea and my sketchbook. It would be a day like today, rainy and cold, mid october. I'd look over and smile at my current lover, for lack of a better word. He'd smile back over his notebook, writing his current short story he'd hope he would be able to publish someday. We'd both understand that our art would probably be something only we could cherish but still have pipe dreams of fame. The rain would lull us, no need for music, nature's rhythm is enough coupled with honks and the conversations of people on the street.

That's what I imagine my life being like and I'll be happy.
This weather makes me think of the future for some odd reason.
I don't understand why people don't like rain.

why patton oswalt was the shit:

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 07:03:44 GMT

"Uncle Touchy's Naked Puzzle Basement: You won't wear a shirt and you'll cry."

and

Dessert Wars.

Awesome night.

Wee!

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 04:32:07 GMT

Found a needle on Wolf today with Kaihly. Living in the gheetttooo (said like Cartman.)
Jazz was fun, kicked my ass like every week and I fell whilst in the front row. My ankles decide to give up on me in really inconvenient times.
I need to finish my anatomy homework, but I don't feel like mylar-ing it up like always.
Samuel and the brosef came over tonight. We all ate dinner like a big family, I kind of made Samuel help me with dishes which was funny, and he played guitar while I worked on my master drawing. It was nice. The brother was sick and fell asleep on the couch for the majority of the night.
Got the cats classy collars for Halloween. They're gentlemen and shit.
Going to see Patton Oswalt on Saturday and the boyfriend is coming over Friday. Hopefully checking out Zombieland and possibly movie surfing with Kaihly on Friday as well.
Can't wait to come home and sleep tomorrow. Texts and Contexts was cancelled due to the Phillies game. (Woooo Phillies!)

Un-chronological and strangely unorganized random update over. I think I need sleep.

It's been a while.

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:14:13 GMT

I guess I should write a bit of an update.

The semester is still on the cusp of being full swing. Anatomy is probably the hardest class so far, mainly because the amount of work, although it's still weird for me doing real life drawing, since Rossman never let us draw the figure as it looks in real life. However, I already feel I've improved without putting my all into it. Typography is a bit of a bore, but doesn't seem like a class that is going to kick my ass. I just need to get the hang of using computer programs for art, something I prefer not to do. But, I guess it'll be useful and I might even end up liking it. I really enjoy pictorial foundation. Mike, our teacher, is a pretty cool dude (lol @ calling a teacher dude.), our assignments are pretty cool and I like seeing how everyone interprets the assignments in their own way. Section 5 is pretty talented and I like mostly everyone's work. Jazz is a nice break from the academics/studios, math is a joke but the teacher is also awesome, and texts and contexts is no where near as hard as people made it out to be. Pretty sure things will turn out pretty nicely this semester.

Fall is here and I'm loving the chilly weather (Yeah, that's right Melissa, suck it.) It makes me miss my father but it's finally growing into a happy sadness. It's hard to understand but if you lost someone close to you I'm sure you do or you will understand. It's one of the stranger feelings in this life. My mom is finally starting to feel it too, I think. She's dealing with a lot lately and I'm really worried about her and my brother. They had to move out of the house they got in Northeast Philly and are now living at my grandparents until they both find places to live. When we lived there for two years after my dad died that place became my home more than my own house did, but living there again would awaken a lot of demons for me. I remember a lot of bad things that happened there and I couldn't do it again. I'm so thankful to be living where I am now because there are no bad memories to haunt me. Whenever I went back to my old house in Langhorne I felt like I was going to run into my doppelganger or the ghost of who I used to be. It was weird, just staying the night there would make me feel depressed again and I would think about things that I knew better than to think about. The south Philly house makes me feel peaceful.

Samuel and I decided to start dating and he makes me happy. I don't think we'll see each other all the time, but that's okay because distance makes the heart grow fonder, apparently. Dating someone new after a year and a half is really scary but also incredibly exciting. A new beginning for a new season. Writing in livejournal about new boyfriends might be a bit of a curse so I'm going to keep this to a minimum. He's awesome and makes beautiful music.

That may be all.

Time flies...

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 03:16:21 GMT

This is the time of year that I miss you the most.

I hope you look down and smile, I try the hardest for you.

I also hope you're pulling for Mom and Edward, they need your help more than me.

Still that little Halloween loving pumpkin of years ago...

You brought me here, now take me home.

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 23:30:01 GMT

I'm completely content to write about music over and over again on here.

I finally got the first mewithoutYou album, [A>B] Life. My favorite song is Silencer, it's gorgeous. It has this raw emotion and contagious energy most Christian music I enjoy is filled with. They make me want to believe as much as they do. The lead singer's vocal style is ridiculous, in a good way of course.

That's all, summer is almost over and I'm thankful. I need a schedule back.

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 07:38:25 GMT

Sometimes Atmosphere hits close to home.

"Body Pillow"... edited a bit.

"Then there was this one night, when I took the time
To examine a napkin in a Chicago hotel room
I wasn't alone, it was a night after a show
The space was full, energy was consumed
There was a boy - emphasis on the "B"
He was noticin' the detail as well
An the two of us found somethin with each other, previously undiscovered -
Hell is full of lovers
And the daylight is bright, always makes me squint
But it feels like magic when it touches my face
Suffocate myself, overwhelm myself
And let the sunrays abandon me, float through space

And he still wonders why I'm so insecure
He giggles, because I sleep with a body pillow
Intentions are never nothing short of pure
But there's a price to pay, when you try to live a little

And as attractive as that napkin ever could have been
My how it unfolded, hold it to the wind
Try now to be a rock, but he's caught under the skin
Ex-lover and a best friend, just like the rest of them

Then there was this one night, I stopped to watch someone bite,
the tip of a cigarette, to hold it in-between his lips
Never met nobody like him
Please brace yourself, danger!, danger!, this might hurt!
The playground feels a lot different when the suns out
He wasn't messin around, he came in with his guns out
Screamin bout the ocean, "Anybody wanna go with me?"
Never knew punk rock could be so pretty
Now - catch your breath, and then catch the ball
And sit by the phone, so we can catch the call
Writing catchy one-liners on the bathroom stall
Here I go, wouldn't you know, still learnin to crawl

And he still wonders why I'm so insecure
He giggles, because I sleep with a body pillow
Intentions are never nothing short of pure
But there's a price to pay, when you try to live a little

"I've always dug the way, you loved the way,
your tattoos intimidate men, I guess I'm one of them."

Standing right next to you, but way over here
Ex-lover and a best friend, [ex-lover and a best friend]

Then there was this one night, I noticed a tree
That stood by itself, about an hour up north
And I could picture him holding onto the limb,
wearing a summer shirt, and a grin, swinging back and forth
Talking bout the breeze, an how easy it is,
to leave all the worries in the back seat
Teach me please! I need the abilities to live
Silly me, I tried to measure it by what I can give
But he didn't need anything,
Just a pair of ears, some strong fingers, and someone to share the tears
Read the fear, feeling inadequate, now lets make-believe that I can handle it

And he still wonders why I'm so insecure
He giggles, because I sleep with a body pillow
Intentions are never nothing short of pure
But there's a price to pay, when you try to live a little

And I still get to talk to you every now and then
Definition of over, doesn't have to be the end
It's good to see you grow boy, shake my hand
That's all I want from my ex-lover and my best friend

[that's all I want] I got your back.. don't ever fucking question that
[that's all I want] I got your back.. [always] I still got your back

And he still wonders why I'm so insecure
He giggles, because I sleep with a body pillow
Intentions are never nothing short of pure
But there's a price to pay, when you try to live a little
And he still wonders why I'm so insecure
He giggles, because I sleep with a body pillow
Intentions are never nothing short of pure
But there's a price to pay, when you try to live a little"

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 22:21:30 GMT

My steady diet of cigarettes and apathy is getting pretty lame.

I truly forget that I am pretty lucky in this world and that should be enough.

I have amazing people in my life that make up for the idiots and this summer has been a pretty epic one. Moments matter more than I think. I need to be more thankful. I need to visit my family. I need to stop swimming in being depressed so much.

I think it's time to get the hell out of neutral and get life into gear again.

I'm incredibly excited for Melissa to finally be back in Philly and living with Kaihly and me. I'm also excited for Russ to join us in our madhouse in South Philly. This year is going to be good.

Huzzah!

Truly a sin.

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 05:42:25 GMT

"Sometimes I feel so happy,
Sometimes I feel so sad.
Sometimes I feel so happy,
But mostly you just make me mad.
Baby, you just make me mad.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

Thought of you as my mountain top,
Thought of you as my peak.
Thought of you as everything,
I've had but couldn't keep.
I've had but couldn't keep.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

If I could make the world as pure and strange as what I see,
I'd put you in the mirror,
I put in front of me.
I put in front of me.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

Skip a life completely.
Stuff it in a cup.
She said, Money is like us in time,
It lies, but can't stand up.
Down for you is up."
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

It was good what we did yesterday.
And I'd do it once again.
The fact that you are married,
Only proves, you're my best friend.
But it's truly, truly a sin.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes."

"When top men need a top up long before the happy hour..."

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 22:48:57 GMT

Getting drunk before 5pm might have been the best idea lately.

Quite tired of the speak unless spoken to.

I'd like to meet someone new so you won't be on my mind anymore.

Need acrylic retardant, to go to the water department and pay electric this week.

So much i'd like to do, so little time.

Jack Daniels is a truer friend than many to be honest. Hope I don't turn out to be an alcoholic someday. Hell, all artists are fucked up in some way.

I miss not giving a flying fuck, but I think I've always given a flying fuck.

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 05:01:52 GMT

" It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea:
But we loved with a love that was more than love -
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her high-born kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me -
Yes! that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud one night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we -
Of many far wiser than we -
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling -my darling -my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea -
In her tomb by the sounding sea."

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 08:32:53 GMT

I love how 21 year old men still act like they're boys in high school.
I am officially Helen of Troy.
Shark week blows and I'm perpetually tired but still awake anyways.
Kitties go to the vet tomorrow.
Party here Friday.
Rancid Saturday.
Two shoots to reschedule, a few to schedule period.
I need to fucking paint for some reason.
Might get my tattoo finished this week if I get the time.
Might get the nipples pierced soon.
Hair definitely needs a cut and dye, it's too fucking boring.
I'm going to miss Rowan a whole fucking lot.
My little old next door neighbors got robbed and it makes me really fucking mad.
I used fuck a lot in this weird list.
Tarot cards may be a new obsession, going to hell most definitely.
Harry Potter made me die a little inside, but it was still a good movie.
Rant by Chuck Palahniuk also wasn't as good as expected, I think it's because nothing he writes will live up to Invisible Monsters to me.
Rereading The Great Gatsby because F. Scott Fitzgerald is full of awesome.
I wish I could marry rich now so money wasn't an object.
I'm excited for school but also nervous as fuck.
Paul McCartney is pretty awesome.
I need to finish spray painting my other dresser.
I'm worried about my family, I should probably call my little brother.
I want to meet someone new. I haven't met anyone new romantically that meant anything since high school.
Dave is a fucking idiot and maybe I'll go back to running him over like I originally planned.
I'm stressed for no particular reason.
I need to pay the electric bill and get the water bill business worked out.
Roaches are from hell and I might have another roach holocaust for the hell of it.
I want another day at the beach.
I don't know if I have more or less respect for myself these days.
I need a new CD rack, officially out of room.
I want a massage.

My heart shrunk three sizes.

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 06:17:26 GMT

I've gained the ability to become something terribly ugly when threatened. I thought I had staked my claim upon something I love but in reality I'm just another pawn in this little game we have going. I don't know how much longer I can do it, but I always say that. I'm trying to move forward with everything in life but this relationship is stuck in neutral, accelerates too fast or quickly reverses. (Quite akin to bumper cars, to be cheesy.)

One day, you're lying in someones arms one night pillow talking about running away together and spending the day listening to your favorite music lying entwined on a bed smoking way too much. The next, you both act as if nothing has ever happened, you doing this purely because the other is. Days later, you watch as someone runs their hands all over them and moves their face a little to close to theirs.

I've never been territorial but each time I play this game it gets worse. It's too animalistic for me, it feels too out of character. When did I become the green eyed monster? I have no claim on him at all, but somehow I feel my jealousy is justified. It isn't...

When did I become another one of those girls that you can throw away and pick up endlessly?

I lost myself in this and I'm having a hard time making a clean break. He'll be the one that won't miss me. That kills me more than this game.

Maybe one of these days I'll make an entry not related to my sad excuse for a love life.

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 23:13:26 GMT

Attended Melissa's mother's funeral yesterday with Kaihly. Funerals send me back to being twelve and burying my father, having a parent die is very hard. My thoughts and love go out to Melissa right now, because it's a rough road ahead but I know she's gonna be strong. She's surrounded by love and love truly is a cure-all.

Three weeks later...

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 06:01:59 GMT

I generally have been using livejournal to stalk my roommates lately and not updating on my life, so here's a bit of a recap.

Had a few photoshoots the past week and they were good, but I have a lot of work to do if I want to really get into the industry. There are some photographers I really want to work with, but unless I decide it's worth paying them I need to get a really good portfolio together. I don't think modeling will ever be a true profession for me but it's something I'm definitely digging.

Designed a dress for Kaihly's sister's graduation and apparently it fits her perfectly. I am very pleased about that, as it's my second successful dress without any patterns or use of a dummy. I have a few ideas floating in my head for some clothing for myself and need to get some materials to make it happen. Fashion makes me happy.

My mother is doing really well in school and I'm really proud of her. She's come a long way. My brother is also taking GED classes online and doing well as far as I know. He also has come a long way. I'm really happy for them, I should visit them more often.

Visited Jim Thorpe with the Goral clan, Katie, Mayfield and Misia's boyfriend, Dan. It was a good time for the most part, it rained a lot but it was gorgeous.

Jeff might move to Texas at the end of the summer and I'm torn about how I feel about it. I will miss him a whole lot, but it could be a good thing. Maybe it will help him grow as a person.

I have this yearning for a boyfriend, or at least a new romantic interest. I have a feeling something may happen soon, and my horoscope says it will, but I'm not going to get my hopes up too high. Wanting it too much can lead to loving love instead of loving a person, or getting attached to someone not good for me, per usual.

I'd like to travel to see my Great Grandmother some point this summer, but I'm not sure how I'm going to get to Mississippi/Tennessee without a license. I need to get that shit together.

Painted today with a new acquantance/friend named Mike/Pagdon. It was cool, nice to do some art for the sake of art.

Annnnd that's it.

Fri, 29 May 2009 21:10:58 GMT

I just got back from New York City with Della and Misia. It was amazing as always. I think New York City is where I'm going to fall in love someday, the aura there is so much different than Philadelphia's. It would take weeks to get to know Manhattan, every thing is a surprise and entertaining. It's too big for me to ever live there, at least at this age.

Della applied to a master's program in Poland (The reason for the trip) and I hope they accept her, she definitely deserves it. I'll miss her while she's away though.

My mother is mad at me and I don't know what to do about it. I think she's still adjusting from me moving out and living somewhere else. I don't want to hurt her feelings, because I miss her and Edward more than I say, but I need to learn to be on my own.

I've decided the subway is my favorite mode of transportation. I feel like a cell in the bloodstream of Philadelphia when I'm on it. This sounds like such a burnout thing to describe, but that's the best way to explain it. I also like how it's rare to see the same person twice. I wonder if they remember me as vividly as I remember some of them.

And, that's all.

Sat, 23 May 2009 19:35:23 GMT

This entire week I've sat in front of this computer, doing nothing of substance except setting up shoots with some photographers. (yay!) I have one on the 31st and I'm really excited but nervous.

So, next week I'm getting my ass in gear and getting shit done. I want to make some clothes, finish my clay hand and bake it, get a haircut, possibly real job hunt and finish going through all the junk I got stuck with when my mother moved out.

I miss the dorm life a little, because from Thursday to Sunday I'm pretty alone during the day with Kaihly and Rowan working. At the dorms there was usually someone to find to talk to, and here I just sit on this laptop. Scary.

I talked to Dave, the previous bane of my existence, but he apologized for everything that happened and what he did to me. It's definitely giving me a sense of closure. He wants us to be friends and that is quite debatable at the moment. I'd rather be acquaintances, seeing as I doubt I'll be running into him down here anytime soon.

I have yet to visit my mother at her new house but it needs to happen. I bought her a camera for a belated mothers' day/birthday gift, and I'm hoping she'll like it.

mwa-ha-ha

Wed, 20 May 2009 16:58:31 GMT

*Is being hacked by Kaihly* ^_^ <3

Tue, 19 May 2009 10:12:44 GMT

I made it through my first year of college with a 3.4 GPA and without killing myself and I couldn't be happier about that. I've been reassured art is my thing and that I am going to make something of myself through it. Sharon, my Jewelry teacher, told me I'm a born craftsman and tried to recruit Kaihly and I to the Jewelry department. However, we're both entering Illustration and I think it's the right choice. I love to work three dimensionally and will miss that, but I'm sure I can eventually incorporate that into my illustration work and make that kind of work for myself in my (nearly nonexistent) downtime the next three years. I hear the Illustration program is pretty rigorous and that scares me, but I would be bored if I wasn't challenged.

I love my new South Philly home and roommates, the place is awesome yet creepy and they're awesome as always. My room needs lots of work and I'm still getting settled but it already feels like I've lived here for a long time. The commute isn't long and I can see Center City from my street. I'll miss living in the middle of the city but I think I'm just the right distance away. I'm going to miss 2J and the bond we formed over the past few months, but I think we'll all remain close friends regardless of now living apart.

However, there are a few strange characters and I, along with Kaihly, are getting used to the cat calls and barking we induce from strange men in this neighborhood. It's nice to know I'm attractive to strangers but at the same time, I'd rather they keep it to themselves. It's getting vulgar and I'm not a fan of being a piece of meat every time I go out in public. It's goes with the territory of being a female, I presume.

I set up a Model Mayhem with the aid of some lovely photographs and guidance from Rowan. Hopefully some photographers will want to work with me and possibly pay me in the process. Modeling for him was awesome and I'd really like to do it more often. I do have the ability to be photogenic!

My mother and brother finally moved out of the Langhorne house and it's going to make a lot of things better. A new start is always a beneficial thing and this will offer a lot of new opportunities for them. I'm especially glad my mother won't be so close to George and that my brother will be able to concentrate on getting his GED without the distractions of the white trash posse of Parkland. Hopefully they'll both really concentrate on schoolwork and do really well. I know they can as long as they put their minds to it.

I'll end what is turning into a horribly written novella, since it's about six AM and I'm getting delirious, and save some stuff for another one of my infrequent updates.

Fri, 01 May 2009 07:15:23 GMT

I saw Alkaline Trio tonight and it was absolutely amazing. I got beat the fuck up, manhandled again by drunk guy, again and acted a fool, but it was just what I needed.

And I met Derek Grant and Matt Skiba and they are fucking beautiful. All I could say was "Thank you!" for the pictures because I was so star struck.

Tomorrow I have my last Friday as a Freshman student and that's fabulous but bittersweet.
Kaihly, Rowan, Melissa and I begin the move in process Saturday and that is also fabulous and bittersweet.

I'll miss 2J but living independently is the last step to being independent... well, minus the cell phone bill my mother sort of pays (I end up paying when it gets shut off.) but I'm kind of an adult and that's weird.

Life's good, minus Swine Flu (lol.) and finals.

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 03:22:43 GMT

So I'm in my room, smoking a marlboro and flicking the ash into a budweiser can while listening to Kathleen Edwards...

I think my Grandmother's Southern Roots rubbed off on me more than I imagined...

Packing and cleaning sucks.

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 03:08:00 GMT

So Kaihly, Melissa and I got a pretty damn adorable house in South Philadelphia. I'm really relieved the search is over and that we will have a place to go come May. Plus, Rowan will be living with us for the summer so that should be good times. Now I need to find a job (hopefully, it seems no one can find anything due to the horrible economy, I presume) or really think about the tattoo apprenticeship. Whether or not that will be workable during the school year is questionable, but talking to a few spots might be a good idea. Just a little shy and nervous, but I gotta swallow that down and just get out there.

I forgot how much I love Nine Inch Nails so I've been listening to them a lot the past twenty four hours. But, I don't think it's helping my bad mood.

We learned about Gericault's work recently in Art History (The above painting is called "Insane Woman"). He painted a series of five paintings of the insane and was interested in the way a mental state can project itself onto the face. This got me thinking, especially since I get many comments on the 'look' I always have on my face. I'm often told I look angry, usually when I'm not at all, but what if I'm just an angry soul? I think that I may be projecting a negative energy that I hold, at least through my facial expression. I'm not always angry at everything, but I am angry with many things in my life pretty continuously. I might be bitter from the past few years of my life and I think that may have changed my soul or how I project it. It all sounds crazy as I reread this but it's possible. Some gypsy told me that I have a negative energy, I think I might believe her. The bitch also cursed me since I stiffed her a few bucks, but that seems to ebbing away finally.. Probably shouldn't of said that.. Shit.

Easter with Kaihly's family starting tomorrow, very excited.